Lesson #106

Mourning in the right way

When my mother-in-law passed away two weeks ago, the last thing I was thinking about was writing my blog or posting things on Facebook. We have all been so sad and it has been hard enough to get back into the  normal swing of things. My husband suggested that in respect of the mourning process, that I refrain from posting things on Facebook. I agreed and haven't felt like doing much of that anyway.

But this week, my grandmother-in-law requested that I get back to my regular practice of social media. Now that her daughter is gone, she needs family more than ever. The fact that we live almost six hours away makes it difficult for us to see her very often. She reminded me how much that relatives love seeing photos of the kids and that it brings some tiny piece of joy into their lives during this difficult time.

Once I really thought about it, it all made sense. I was afraid of posting pictures that might suggest we were going about our normal happy lives, not taking the time to mourn our loss properly. But realistically, I have had to go about with our normal lives to a certain degree just to make things easy for the kids. We have been doing our fun day outings and are now back to school. It is possible to mourn and to find enjoyment in life, especially through our kids. I know it is part of my responsibility to help keep the family united in any way I can...even if that means just posting pictures on Facebook.

Lesson #106

Never take the big (or small) moments for granted

One of the hardest things about losing a loved one is knowing that they will be missing out on so many important moments. We knew that our kids would be losing a grandmother in the next few years. She had been bravely battling leukemia almost since our oldest son was born. We tried to live life making the most of major milestones. She lived for her three grand kids so it was always important to her to be here for their major events.

Today I got a reminder about how hard it will be to experience big life events form this point forward, knowing how much she would have loved them. I received a call from the school that our DVD of kindergarten graduation from last spring is ready to be picked up. My mom and sister were able to attend but Josh's mom could not come. I really wanted the DVD for her to see as it was so hard for her to miss out. I tried to get it at the end of the year but the office was closed by the time I made it by. When I got the call today, I got choked up and felt so frustrated with myself for not getting it sooner. She really would have loved to see this big day in Max's life.

There is nothing I can do about it now but it is a good reminder of how I need to live for those moments. I don't want to have any regrets and I don't ever want to feel like I missed out on anything important. I also know that it is up to me to share these moments with those people who love and cherish our kids.

Lesson #105

The joy of a little one on one time

This summer meant a lot of together time for the kiddos and myself. It seemed like the kids were either all at camp or all home with me. We didn't have a lot of opportunity for one on one time.

Yesterday marked the first day back at school. Just a half day for Zoey but Max was there all day. Today left me with my little sidekick for the morning and afternoon. I had forgotten how easy it is to have just one kid at a time! We had so much fun together even though we didn't do much at all.

A part of me feels a little sad that these moments are mainly reserved for Miles now that the older two are in school full-time. but it definitely reminds me to relish my alone time with him and to try to make more opportunities to have this special time with each of the other kids when it is possible.

Lesson #104

Too crazy to cry

Today might have been a pretty emotional day for me. My only little girl started her first day of Junior Kindergarten! She went from her three morning per week preschool to starting a five, full day program. This is a huge shift for her and a major adjustment for me. I have had this little girl home with me for most of the time over the past four and a half years. I have been feeling sad leading up to this day.

But when the time came for drop off, I found that there was no time for any sort of emotional reaction. Somehow, I misjudged when I would need to get everyone moving this morning. I felt very rushed and flustered, trying to get everyone ready to head out. By the time we got there, I was pretty much sweating!

It was all I could do to keep from losing Miles in the swarms of families all trying to find their rooms and snap those first day of school photos. Once I got Max all settled in first grade, I rushed Zoey to her room. We walked in and she ran straight to her old friend from Preschool. She was so happy to see her buddy Remy and to explore the room. I snapped a few pictures and that was about all Zoey could be bothered to do. She was all set!

It wasn't until I was walking out that I even thought about the fact that I didn't tear up or have some emotional moment. It was just too crazy all morning to even register what was going on. But then again, there is always tomorrow!

Lesson #103

Summer takes on a whole new meaning when you have kids

I remember the feeling of sadness mixed with a little tiny bit of excitement as my summers ended as a child. Summer was the time of little responsibility, lots of laziness and sleeping in late. I was always a little bit excited to get back to school for the social aspect but never wanted to see the summer end.

Now that I have kids of my own, I have a myriad of feelings about the school year starting back up again. As much as I love spending time with them, visiting all of the fun St. Louis spots, I am really craving my alone time. In addition, I have so many projects that have taken a back seat over the busy summer months.

There is an even bigger part of me that is feeling really sad about two of my three kids being in school all day, five days a week. I am not sure where the time has gone. I feel like I have gotten used to it with Max as he did this last year. But thinking of Zoey, my only girl, being gone from me for the better part of the week, is just too much. I am going to miss having her around so much.

Miles will be back at his toddler program just two mornings each week. I will miss him too obviously but will still get a good chunk of one on one time with him.

Tomorrow will definitely be bringing some tears from me. But I know in a few weeks, I will adjust. We will be full into the swing of the school year and I will be just fine!

Lesson #102

Sometimes it is better to just lay low

When it comes to entertaining the kids, I am not a homebody. I get pretty stir crazy if we are all cooped up for more than a few hours. I feel like things get really loud and chaotic if we are left to our own devices for any amount of time. For that reason, I typically plan a morning outing and either play outside in the afternoon or hit up a park.

This rainy weekend really put a crimp in my plans. We stayed busy yesterday but this morning I was at a loss for what to do. Sunday morning is always a challenging time to find good activities for the kids. We ended up staying home for lack of any real good ideas. But we ended up doing a LOT of reading, fort building, some physical altercations ending in tears and timeout, some cleaning and some good old fashioned play dough creating.

i had not thought to get pay dough out for months! For the longest time, it was out of the rotation due to Miles' inability to use it appropriately. But it was a life saver today! The kids played peacefully for 40 minutes. We all sat together creating some really fun sculptures including a princess, Minecraft diorama and a variety of food products.

We ended up having a great morning. It serves as a reminder to me that we don't have to plan the weekend to death all of  the time.

Lesson #101

Know when to ask for help

I am used to staying home with the three kids. I work as an entertainer, chauffer, referee, cook, therapist, teacher and hug provider. I do my job all week long and look forward to the weekend when I will have reinforcements from my husband. But from time to time, I am left on my own to tackle a weekend of activity by myself.

Heading back to Cincinnati to help go through his mother's home, my husband will be gone all weekend. I know we all have a part to play in the process of sorting things out now that she has passed away. As a single mom of one child, my mother-in-law accumulated 33 years of memories and belongings in her three-bedroom condo. What results is the need for lots of help to go through all of these years of possessions.

I was totally fine with taking my role of handling the kids here at home so others can do work back in Cinci. But as this week rambled on, I felt myself losing steam. I haven't been feeling the greatest and I am still pretty emotionally drained. I thought about asking my parents to come in town to help but decided I would save that help for another time.

Fortunately, my parents took matters into their own hands and made plans to come give me some assistance. As I struggled through today with the crabby, bickering, back-talking kids, I felt so grateful for my pending aid. As I look at the three of them now, on each others last nerves, I am so glad that I accepted the offer for help. Even though I know I could make it through the weekend as a solo act, it will certainly be a lot easier having a team on my side.

Lesson #100

"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans"

Two weeks ago, I would have looked forward to this week thinking that we would be unpacking from our beach vacation and getting stuff in order for school to start. But our lives and our plans were turned upside down 10 days ago when we got a phone call that changed our lives. We had gotten two hours of our twelve hour trip under our belts when we learned that my husband's mom had taken a turn for the worse and would likely not ever recover. Without giving it a second thought, we re-routed our GPS and started driving straight toward Cincinnati.

"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans. " A famous John Lennon quote became the theme of my husband's eulogy for his mother's funeral just five days later. It was a favorite quote of hers and really struck a cord with me.

I am by nature a planner. Anyone who knows me knows that I am always making plans and thinking ahead. This devastating loss seemed like it could not have come at a worse time. I had been planning and planning for months about this trip, hyping the kids up every day! But no one could have predicted the course of events that occurred in the past several days.

As I look back at how things unfolded, I tried to really think of how to gain something from the whole experience. The kids were definitely disappointed, but they adjusted pretty well. I look at them now and they are not thinking about the trip that they missed. They are thinking about They are enjoying life in the moment, not planning for the next big thing. I could stand to gain a lot from this way of thinking.

I am trying to take as many positive things from this terrible experience as I can.  Life happened. It was not what I had planned  but at least we had the opportunity to be with a very brave woman in her last moments here on earth. She felt loved as did we.

Lesson #99

Death in the eyes of a four-year-old

I had to break my streak of writing these 365 life lessons for a very traumatic event. My brave mother-in-law lost her battle to leukemia last week. It has been a whirlwind of events that has left us all devastatingly empty in many ways. Cathy was a devoted Yia Yia to our three young kids and an amazing single mom. She touched so many people as a friend, brother, daughter and teacher over the past several years.

One of the hardest parts about losing someone so special is having them miss out on all of the important life events ahead for the ones left behind. This is especially true for our three kids. Max and Zoey are old enough to have memories that will last, but Miles is too young to be able to retain the memories he has of her now. It is heart breaking to know that they will not be able to keep making memories with her beyond this summer.

Telling the kids was tough. We knew that Max, at the age of six, would understand the best. He has definitely been somber and doesn't want to talk about it. Zoey on the other hand has been nothing but curios and emotionally expressive about hr loss since the moment we told her.

"Why did she have to go to Heaven?"

"Is she with God?"

"Did the angels take her to Heaven?"

"Did the angels come down and carry her there?"

"I know that she had to die because then more babies will be able to be born and come to earth."

"Will Yia Yia have a ghost body?"

"Now that she is my angel, what will her wings look like?"

"I don't want my Yia Yia to be dead! I want to go see her in Heaven!"

"I hate dying!"

"I don't ever want to die!"

These are just a handful of the questions and comments made by Zoey since the day of her visitation service. It is hard to imagine just how she visualizes it all but it is clear that she is trying to comprehend how death happens and what the notion of forever means. In some ways, the constant commentary and question asking is a total comfort. Just like her Yia Yia in so many ways, Zoey never stops talking. Her curiosity and inability to tone down her inner monologue are reminiscent of her Yia Yia. I know we will continue to see things in all three of the kids that will forever keep her memory with us. 

In loving memory of Cathy Nadaud. The best mother-in-law a girl could ever ask for.

Lesson #98

When they are too sick for ice cream

I have been very blessed with kids that do not tend to get sick very often. Maybe it is the fact that they were breast fed for the first year of life. Maybe it is my laid back attitude about disinfecting and over-cleaning. Maybe it is the fact that they get lots of exercise and eat relatively healthy most of the time. Whatever the reason, I am luck that my kids bounce back pretty quickly when they do get sick.

Yesterday, i knew something was really wrong when my turbo energy six-year-old failed to eat more than two bites of lunch and proceeded to fall asleep on the couch for an hour. I just knew he was sick. But what really alerted me to the level of his sickness was the fact that he could not bring himself to eat the ice cream we all had for dessert. Max has never in his life passed up this treat! He ended up having a temperature of 103.

He is starting to feel a little bit better today but I have to force him to rest and take it easy. This has never been an easy task for Max. His resting speed is go, go go! But I am pretty sure that after a long day of iPad play and a few cartoons, he will be ready for dessert tonight.

Lesson #97

Be honest about your struggles

There is nothing easy about being a mom. Whether you are a stay at home mom or a parent that works outside of the home, the job never really comes to an end. It is by far the most challenging and rewarding career I have ever had. I am lucky to have a number of really good mom friends. Some of these friendships date back almost twenty years and others are less than a year new. All of my gal pals have their own wealth of information to share as far as parenting styles. I feel like I am always learning from them.

One of the most difficult things about being a mom at least from my perspective, is feeling like I am doing a good job. There are times during any given day that I feel like I am not doing a fantastic job. When the kids are whining incessantly, when they are physically assaulting one another, when they run and tattle on each other or when they throw tantrums. It is all I can do to not want to just walk out the door and scream on some days.

What I have been learning recently is that the worst thing I can do as a mom is to keep my frustrations to myself. Pretending that I have it all together isn't going to help anyone, least of all myself.

At a play date today with one of my oldest college friends, we were venting our frustrations with whiny kids that always come begging for snacks while we are out playing. It was so refreshing to hear how similar some of our hard times can be.

When it comes down to it, we as moms are often in the same boat. We can all learn a thing or two from the other moms in our lives. I feel so fortunate to have such a strong network of parenting experts!

Lesson #96
A new spin on earning an allowance

Max is one of the most passionate kids I know. When he takes an interest in something, he is all in! Whether it is playing hockey, constructing complex Lego structures or collecting Pokemon cards, he quickly becomes immersed.

The Pokemon collecting is a relatively new hobby. I am not even sure how he got into it. But very quickly, it became all he wanted to talk about or play with. He has a few friends that also collect so that has taken it to another level. He is asking me to text their moms about trading cards and wanting to set up play dates to exchange and battle the cards. But it is not enough for Max to be interested, he also wants me to be involved. He has them all sorted in his collection binder and is constantly asking me to sit and look through them together.

For the past week, he has been asking me relentlessly to use his own money to buy more cards. He bought one pack last week and received a few packs as a gift from my mom on a visit. But that was just not enough. He keeps pestering me to buy more! I refuse to give into these pleas. But I did finally come up with a creative solution.

Rather than paying Max his weekly allowance for cleaning his room and folding his laundry, he will now be working for Pokemon cards. I usually pay Max fifty cents for cleaning his room on Thursdays. I also have been paying him an additional fifty cents each time he folds and puts away his laundry. I made an arrangement with him that I will buy a few packs of cards and keep them hidden. Rather than paying him money to save for the next few weeks, he will be able to earn one card per task. Hopefully this will keep his begging for Pokemon to a minimum for a little while.

Lesson #95

Spreading the love around

Anyone that has ever met my two-year-old son Miles knows how cuddly and affectionate he is. He loves nothing more than climbing up on my lap, sucking his thumb, and rubbing my arm. "Soft rubs" we call it. He has always been this way. Because of his very affectionate nature, it is pretty automatic to be physically bonding with him.

Don't get me wrong, we are a super warm family and often share hugs and kisses throughout the day. It is just that Miles is particularly fond of snuggling up.

Today, while swimming in the pool, Zoey was having one melt down after another. This phase she is going through has really been weighing on me. She has always been such a chill girl and so easy going. But lately, she has been very quick to fall to pieces over the smallest thing.

My husband pointed something out to me that really made me stop and think. He told me I should try to give her more physical affection. I am sure I tend to do this more with Miles now that Zoey has gotten older. I immediately shifted my focus to her for the next hour that we were outside. She was so happy and content with my undivided attention.

Having three kids makes it impossible to give them all what they need simultaneously. It is all about juggling and spreading yourself around as evenly as possible. I try so hard to do this on a daily basis but I know that these little reminders really help me to keep that in perspective.

Lesson #94

Diarrhea and Indian food don't mix

You would think this would be an obvious fact. I have actually learned this lesson several years ago with my first child. At the tender age of one, Max was at a very daring food stage. He would pretty much try anything, including Indian buffet. We were amazed and thrilled with his adventurous appetite and what it meant for our dining out options. But alas, thirty minutes after consumption, it was coming out of both ends.

Fast forward five years to my son Miles. His stomach had been on the fritz. But who could pass up all you can eat dosa night with good friends? Plus, I was hoping it was just a temporary reaction to all the fruit he had eaten throughout the day. I knew Miles would be game to try new things and did not want his digestive issues to interfere with my plans for the night.

I tried to keep my wits and ordered him a plain dosa. But the butter wasn't really a good idea. That and the mango drink he totally stole from his sister. needless to say, today has been no picnic for either of us.

Despite this failed attempt at expanding Miles's pallet, I plan to try again in the future. I will just wait until his stomach is at a neutral place.