Lesson #79

I'm not the only coach on this team

As a full-time stay at home mom, I recognize my role as the head cook, caregiver, camp counselor, referee and teacher. I take this job seriously as it is the most challenging and rewarding career I have ever held. There are many roles to play and lots of juggling to do. My husband is amazing and is a great father and provider. I am lucky to have his support. But the demands of his job often prevent him from helping out with things at home. Evening dinners and meetings tend to interfere with my plans for shuttling the kids around to their various sports.

Anyone who knows me well is aware of my dislike for dragging all three kids to hockey practice. It is great fun for Max but less than entertaining for his younger siblings. Despite the cold of the rink, I am usually sweating by the time Max is all suited up for his practice. I am usually running from tying laces to grab Miles before he runs out of the door or picks up someone's stick to whack an unassuming bystander. Beyond getting ready for practice, there is the exhausting attempts at keeping Miles and Zoey busy until it is over. Snacks and electronics only go so far and I really hate resorting to having them watch videos the entire time.

Tonight was going to be one of those nights that I dread. Josh has a work dinner, same as last night. I have been thinking about getting past this night all week! But to my surprise, today at lunch, my whole mood lifted with a few simple words. "I can take Max to hockey tonight. I will just be a little late to my meeting. I don't care."

You would have thought my husband just told me we were going on a vacation or something. I was elated! My face lit up and I could not stop thanking him. I told him, "I owe you!"

But as soon as the words came out of my mouth, he reminded me. "We are on a team. It is no big deal."

How do I fail to see this sometimes? I get to used to adapting to his schedule that I often forget to ask for help with these tings. We ARE on a team. I don't need to feel indebted to my spouse for taking our child to hockey practice. It was such a good feeling.

Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for his offer to go late to the meeting. I told him that this announcement made my whole week! But more importantly was the recognition of all that I do and him reminding me that I am not ever in this parenting alone.

Lesson #78

Don't assume the worst

I am definitely my kids' biggest fan. I like to cheer them on and take the approach of "catch them doing good." It can be so easy tp harp on all of the things they are doing wrong throughout the day because I like to correct negative behavior right as it is happening. Therefore, offering praise every time I find the opportunity tends to offset all of the corrections I have to make on any given day. I try not to be critical but some days it is harder than others to find the good in all of the tantrums, fights and back talk.

Yesterday, I felt like all I did was repeat myself without results. Getting out the door in time for camp was a stretch and I felt exhausted by the time my butt his the car seat. I felt defeated and frustrated by all three of my kids. I was still a little uneasy from my encounter with Max's camp instructor from the day before. Her first interaction with him included his illustration of machine guns. Not the best first impression to make.

When I went to pick him up at the end of the morning session, I was a little anxious to hear how the day went. I know Max is a sweet, intelligent boy. But I also know his precocious nature and argumentative personality is not well received. I asked him how his day went and his sheepish smile immediately sent up red flags. I asked him if anything happened and he looked down telling me, "no."

I immediately jumped to the conclusion that his behavior wasn't up to par. I asked him to walk over to the teacher to sign him out. I braced myself for what she might say. I asked how the day went and she said, "Max is such a sweet boy."

Max's mouth turned up slightly with her compliment. She went on to tell me about his affinity for abstract thought and a conversation they had. She was so impressed by the way his mind was processing information in the context of a metaphor he shared. I felt so proud and so upset with myself at the same time. Here I was expecting bad news when all she had to offer was praise. It taught me to try to be more positive and to give my kids more credit than I do at times.

Lesson #77
Swapping guns for guitars

As the mother of two young boys, I face a dilemma that I am sure a lot of moms face. How do we raise children in this violent society? Everywhere you turn there are stories of shootings, war and destruction. Many toys and games capitalize on violence, making it exciting and appealing to children.

When I was a kid, I vividly remember not being allowed to have a variety of toys in our house. As a girl, that focus was on Barbie and for my brother, G.I. Joe and guns. (The Barbie boycott is a whole other issue. Maybe I will address that in a separate post.)

I recall my parents actively avoiding any violent toys and shows on television. We definitely felt slighted as kids but as an adult, I totally appreciate their goal. Now that I have three kids of my own, I want to mirror the same intentions of my own parents. It seems this challenge is even greater now with access kids have via Youtube, video games, etc.

Even since my six-year-old was born, I swore we would not have toy guns in our house. We did not allow him to watch television other than Disney Jr. and PBS for several years. But as he got older, this became increasingly difficult. Ignorance was bliss. He did not know what he was missing. But it all went to hell when he got his first toy gun as a gift. Even with that, I eventually got rid of it secretly and he forgot. But now that he is six, he is relentless! He wants to save his money to buy Nerf guns, ninja paraphernalia, and weapons in general.

We have collected a few violent toys over the past year, despite my feeble protests. It is completely my fault for not sticking to my guns so to speak. I have let my kids take advantage of me and have given into their requests and relentless begging. I take full responsibility. But how do I back track from here? I want to purge the house from all of this crap but I know there is a high price.

Max just started a new camp this week called School of Rock. He was a little hesitant because he was nervous about performing in front of others. But he has really been thriving in the camp. The first day, during free time, he drew a few pictures. They were really quite good except for one small problem. One of them seemed to depict two men shooting each other with machine guns. The teacher pulled me aside and explained that this is not allowed. I was embarrassed. I wanted to pretend that we do not in any way allow for that in our house but I knew I would be lying in front of my kid. This really started me thinking about how to cut out some of the violent influence in our house.

Today after camp, the teacher was telling me how well he is doing and how he has a natural talent for music. At lunch, I asked Max which was cooler, guitars or guns. To my surprise, he said guns. I see there is hope for my cause yet! If only we can swap out the weapons for music. I am cautiously optimistic!

Lesson #76

Break the rules sometimes

I have not always been a rule follower but I am one to set a lot of rules for my kids. Call me a hypocrite, but I like to think of it as learning from my mistakes. I think my kids do best with structure and it allows me to feel some sense of sanity to have rules. That being said, my personality definitely dictates my need for fun.

Over the weekend, we had a lot going on. In addition to my birthday, soccer and a get together celebration at a friend's house, we had a lot of good family time. It was definitely a departure from the usual structure and schedule.

Looking back on all of the fun we had, I think the best parts were the times that we were breaking some rules. We ate birthday cake immediately before dinner on Saturday and none of the kids saw a bathtub in over 48 hours. We watched the World Cup game from lawn chairs submerged in the swimming pool and I am pretty sure none of the kids brushed their teeth on Sunday.

Today is Monday and nobody seems to be suffering any fallout from the rule breaking. We are back on track with the routine of the summer and trying to be good little rule followers. I am sure we will be breaking all of the rules again soon!

Lesson #75

There is no cure for boy fever!

I knew pretty early on that Zoey was going to be a girlie girl. She loves to dress up, have her hair and makeup done and is all about being a princess. Despite her love for all things frilly and fancy, there is one thing she loves above anything girlie. This little lady loves her boys!

Zoey has more than one crush and she isn't afraid to show it. Cheering for her "lovey" as he plays soccer, Zoey is proud to show her affection. She talks non-stop about getting married and how her name will change depending on which boy she chooses. This girl does not know the definition of hard to get.

Yesterday as we were driving home from watching her brother's soccer game, Zo really threw me for a loop. After meeting a new boy and running around for an hour together, she was smitten. Out of nowhere, Zoey asks me, "I know lips are for kissing but what else?"

How do you even answer that question? I was of course able to list a number of other uses for lips but I was more concerned about the fact that she was thinking of kissing as the primary function of lips! Ugh! We have a long road ahead. Still nine years away from becoming a teenager, I am really going to nee to get creative in finding ways to extinguish this boy fever!

Lesson #74

Don't trust a two-year-old with a secret

This summer has really taken a toll on me and it is only July! Yesterday was my birthday and it fell at the end of a very long and exhausting week. With each day that went by, I found myself dragging into the next. I was really looking forward to the weekend and a fun night out with friends to celebrate. I decided to cash in my Mother's Day gift of a morning at the spa. I arrived at 8:00 am and was subjected to four solid hours of total pampering and relaxation. I might have to say it was four of the best hours of my life!

I met up with Josh and the kids after for a birthday lunch. I was so relaxed and happy to see them all. Miles came running toward me with a big smile. The first words out of his mouth were, "Mama. We made you a birthday cake."

There went the big surprise! (Josh had taken the kids shopping for the ingredients and let them pick out their own frosting color. They all worked together to make the cake, even busing out the Kitchen Aid! This was a first for Josh despite the fact that we got it as a wedding gift ten years ago.)

I tried to ignore the comment from Miles, not wanting the other kids to know he had leaked the big surprise. He just kept repeating it! Max and Zoey tried to distract me by telling me that they made something out of bacon. That must be what Miles is talking about.

In addition to the sweet birthday cake, they all worked together to make a banner and decorations.

All in all, it ended up being the best ruined surprise I have ever received.

Lesson #73

They might be ungrateful but at least they are generous

Over the past several months, I have really been struggling with how to raise grateful children. I feel like my oldest two are really at the age where they can understand the concept yet seem to be missing it. I don't feel like they are spoiled but they still possess a certain sense of entitlement when it comes to getting what they want.

This week, Max decided he wanted to use some of his money that he earned folding his laundry and cleaning his room. He looked up a variety of Nerf guns and picked one he really wanted. After an excruciating 48 hours, the toy arrived. Unfortunately, it failed to impress. The defective dart shooter ended up causing an equal amount of frustration for my six-year-old and myself. We decided to send it back. I gave Max the option of ordering something else and waiting or going to Target the next day and picking from what they had. He of course could not tolerate the thought of 48 more hours so we decided on Target. He had already looked up a few options and was counting out $16.44 to pay for the toy. In addition, he counted out another $16.44 for his brother. I was floored! He wanted Miles to have a gun also but knows he is not old enough to earn his own money. I assured Max that I could cover the cost of his brother's Nerf gun so that he could keep saving his money. Max was nothing short of insistent. I didn't have the heart to use his money so I put the additional funds aside to give back down the road.

I'm not giving up on my quest to raise grateful children. It is something I know that I will have to work hard to do. But generosity is right up there on my list of must have qualities. At least I know I am on the right road with this one!